Soapbox Speakers

News for Speakers’ Corner, Sunday 11th March

In News for Speakers' Corner on March 12, 2018 at 6:32 am


Special notice: Mr B is in good health and will be at the Domain this coming Sunday 18th to provide chairs for the indolent.

“Broken and broken again on the sea,
the moon so easily mends.”
Chosu

1. It was again a quiet day, but a beautiful one. We didn’t finish until nearly 6pm.

Steve Maxwell turned up late, bless him, after attending his friend’s 100th birthday. When Steve did get to speak he spoke about Australia’s dark and troubled past: the convict settlements, the mistreatment of the Aborigines, the World Wars . . .

. . . and then he presented another thought experiment: what would be the consequences of banning the iphone from the classroom?

2. We spoke about sledges in cricket.

Rod Marsh to Ian Botham: “So, how’s your wife and my kids?”
Botham: “The wife is fine but the kids are retarded.”

3. If you watched the video of John Webster on Youtube you would have discovered that he sold a newsletter to his listeners, for twenty cents. The industrious Steve Maxwell got his hand on a few copies and they’re now on this blog. Good work, Steve!

If you’d like to see all 25 pages, click here. Here is a sample below.

4. Another famous sledge:

Glenn McGrath to Eddo Brandes: “Why are you so fat?”
Eddo’s reply: “Because every time I make love to your wife she gives me a biscuit.”

5. Thank you to the person who sent in this striking look-a-like of Mr Bashful.


6. Another sledge:

Shane Warne: “I’ve been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate you.”
Daryll Cullinan: “It looks like you’ve spent it eating.”

7. Scientists in our “top” science organisation, the CSIRO, have become stamp collectors, said Mr B. Searching the deep ocean floor, researchers hauled up 42,747 poor, hapless fish, and discovered five new species. Now the staff can spend their lives and the taxpayer’s money cataloguing them. Mr B thinks that if they had just stuck to stamps then 42,747 fish could have remained on the sea floor alive and continued to mind their own business.

Mr B then sarcastically explained how the planet’s supposed environmental degradation is just a myth. After all, he explained, we are discovering more species than are becoming extinct, so we have a net increase in species. At this rate, we will soon be overrun with wildlife.

8. Another sledge:

Warne was trying to get a chubby batsman out. The wicketkeeper Ian Healy suggested to Warne, “Bowl a Mars Bar halfway down the pitch and I’ll stump him.”
Everyone laughed and the batsman replied, “Nah, David Boon will be onto it before I can move.”

9. Mark the Grinner responded to last week’s post in which it was revealed that Mr B’s offer to speak to the students at Sydney University had been rejected. Mark was scathing of the University’s censorious policies. He even drew on the Dark Ages and The Enlightenment to make his point.

Mark also spoke about the warnings you often find preceding television programs: “Viewers may be concerned by the following images.” Mark believes we shouldn’t receive such warnings; we need to harden up and accept reality. The world can be a horrible place and we need to accept that, not  hide from it. Mr B, sitting in the outer, objected. His objection was futile.


10. Another sledge:

Dennis Lillee to a batsman: “I can see why you are batting so badly. You’ve got some shit on the end of your bat.”
The batsman would look at the end of his bat.
Dennis: “Wrong end, mate.”

11. Uncle Pete ascended the Ladder of Knowledge to give us a vignette of a man called Henry Moseley. Henry was a brilliant man who furthered our understanding of sub-atomic particles. When World War I broke out he could easily have avoided conscription, but chose not to, arguing that if a coal miner was obliged to risk his life, then he himself should risk his. It has been said that he may well have won a Nobel Prize had he not been shot dead in Gallipoli.

Then, when we discussed the pay packets of CEOs, Uncle Pete was prompted to suggest that nurses should strike for much better pay, even though a few of us would die in the process. If they striked for long enough, the government would cave in.

12. Another sledge:

Merv Hughs to batsman: “You can’t fucking bat.”
The batsman hit the next ball for four runs and then replied: “Hey, Merv, we make a good pair! I can’t fucking bat and you can’t fucking bowl.”

13. A few weeks ago, Donald Trump suggested that teachers should be given guns in school. Mr B asked his grasshoppers to provide ten reasons why the idea is a stupid one. He received three reasons before the discussion became such a farce he changed the topic.

14. Another sledge:

In a Sheffield Shield match Steve Waugh was taking his time getting ready to face his first ball: taking guard, scratching out his mark, looking at the field settings. Jamie Siddons decided enough was enough and remarked: “For fuck’s sake, mate, it’s not a fucking test match!” To which Waugh replied: “Of course it’s not . . . You’re here.”

15. Other subjects discussed:
– Was the government doing the right thing when they “stole” Aboriginal children from their parents in the early 1900s? Or was it a shameful period in Australia’s history? Or both? Is it true that all but one of the claims for compensation have been denied, because government records indicate that the children were stolen for good reason? Or did the bureaucrats make up lies to justify their actions? Were most of the Aboriginal children given the opportunity to visit their parents from time to time, or was that a lie too? These, and other questions, made the discussin lively.

– According the ABC news, school principals are stressed and overworked. A study found that they are interupted 70 times a day. One grasshopper scoffed. She’s a Deputy Principal, and deputy principles are interrupted 170 times a day!

– In China, do some people hire Chinese strippers to attend funerals, in the hope of getting a higher turnout? Or is that fake news?

– Many companies don’t pay tax. Is that a good thing? Are the ways some companies avoid paying tax legitimate? Do they, by reinvesting their profits into research and development (and pay no tax as a result) ultimately benefit the nation because they grow in size and employ more people?

– What is hunger? Does the hunger of a well fed Australian differ from the hunger of someone used to eating one small meal a day? Is the Australian’s hunger laced with anxiety, because they’re not used to going hungry?

– Should GPs automatically take a patient’s blood pressure while the patient is explaining why they are there? Or is the onus on the patient to ask?

– Speaking of Nobel Prize winners, Mirko was “vigorous” today on the Ladder of Knowledge as he patiently explained complex matters that only a Nobel Prize winner could understand. For example, here are three of the more comprehensible lines of his flyer:
Static cloud discharge H2O1 Rain Lighting (sic) 
Sun’s U/V   I/R in water mist rise on Gravity
Also could discharge on land H2O1 Life.
This poor scribe struggles to understand Mirko’s deep message, though the recurring theme seems to be “MOTHER NATURE!’ It’s a shame that Mirko’s boundless knowledge is wasted on us, when he should be in a university lecturing.

Mother Nature

16. Another sledge:

Merv Hughes was giving the batsman, Graham Gooch, a hard time with his bowling. 
Merv: “Would you like me to bowl a piano and see if you can play that?”

 

 

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